Thursday, 16 November 2017

Imposter Syndrome Is Damaging My Mental Health

First things first, what is imposter syndrome I here you ask. Well, its a feeling of being a fraud, not being able to except praise or your accomplishments and having a constant fear of being found to not know anything, about, well, anything.

I first heard the term on the lovely Rhianna's blog and had to investigate as it had me curious. Once I started looking it up everything in my life kind of made sense. Truth is, I think Imposter Syndrome is one of the main triggers of my severe anxiety, especially recently.

I think it's something I've always had but never quite been able to put into words. I was never the person to celebrate my achievements when I was younger. I won an award when I was around 15/16 and never turned up at the ceremony because I felt I didn't really deserve it or that nobody would miss me. I was the same for my University Graduation even though getting my degree came at great personal sacrifice and difficulty, I felt like I didn't work hard enough for it. Dude, I wrote two dissertations. I interviewed some big ass stars for my dissertation (number 1) and still thought I could do better, who does that?!

I think the main thing people don't realise about me is that I am a perfect storm of Introvert Extrovert. I seem really confident, chatty and social on the outside but the minute I am home in my own space I am in utter bliss. PJ's, a good TV show and my duvet is all I need. Funnily enough my Mum recently tagged me in a meme video of a hamster rolled up in a blanket silently eating a carrot that read: 'When you get home and can finally be your true self' and nothing could have been more accurate. The people that know and love me, know that thats where my head is at.

Currently Imposter Syndrome is becoming quite damaging to my MH in general. I am in a really great place. I'm living with the love of my life, we have a beautiful flat that is just everything we have ever wanted, I'm getting on great at a job I really enjoy and I love the people I work for and with, it's a pleasure spending my time there each day. Yet my raging anxiety creeps in like any minute the rug is going to be pulled out from under me. Like the people I work for are going to (in a matter of one day) going to turn around and hate me and want me to leave and that I'm a crap administrator. Even though I do every bit of work that is given to me promptly and well and have good feedback this is still a complete devil on my shoulder. Same for the flat, I feel like they are going to see how beautiful we have decorated and made the flat and want it back instantly. Why does my mind do these things? It always comes back to the same explanation. Imposter Syndrome.

I hope this helps any of you that have the same niggling feeling at the back of your heart and mind that makes you feel this way, because you are not alone at all. Imposter Syndrome is so real, and its bloody exhausting.


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